somewhere along the way, i internalized the idea that it was better to be opinion-less, emotionless, and benign. somewhere, i got the notion that these things would keep me protected, safe and powerful. of course, this is a nice lie. it sounds good in our head but usually has nothing to really do with us and love and lots to do with pleasing other people.
every time, i write a strong opinion, i feel like i need to defend, erase, deflect or apologize. lol...that woman is annoying. you see, there is nothing wrong with having opinions. strong ones. even "wrong ones" because we are humans. in flux. expanding. growing. if we stuff ourselves in a box of nice and placid. we might never meet ourselves for real. we might never live into our small light or even really live at all.
there was a preacher i once knew, i know, i've known a few...who said that Jesus did not come here to help us live a nice and comfortable life. Jesus was table tosser. He hung out with prostitutes and tax men. nobodies, in that society and maybe ours, too. Jesus did not build a human castle to dwell or an aesthetic to be appreciated or even a reputation as a nice person. he was a challenger. he abided among the people he loved, he challenged the status-quo and He was obedient to his Father, even if it would cost him everything. i think we all could learn a lot from the story, christians or not because maybe we all have gotten a little to invested in being seen a certain way, in not rocking the boat or hiding ourselves from our life.
for the record, i am not imploring you to become a christian or think a certain way....it's just a reference point (insert your deity, philosophy, hero/ine or prophet, at will. personally though, i have lived within the culture of american christanity (of many facets) and that is often my story point.
moreover, i have lived in this culture enough to buy into many things that don't serve my life or the world in a real or good way. it's hard to unpack that but i think i must. it's hard to even know what that means. it's hard to separate the culture from the heart but i feel i must. this unpacking and unfurling applies to religion, opinions, food, nature, everything...when i see the world as it is...it is scary but the world has always been this way. me, being nice did not save the world and it will not save the world. me being opinion-less did not save me and it will not save me.
today, i thought about letting this blog go. i mean what can i possibly write these days. i can't even keep a journal practice but i find myself here. challenging myself to show-up and toss the table of fear out of my way. i am challenging myself to live into the light, that i was born to live into. no, this may or not "lead" me there but it is a tool to go deeper, to be seen, to destroy the box that i desperately want to hide in.
last night i tried to paint a painting from a thumbnail drawing that i did earlier this week. i used the same tools, the same colors, the same desk but it just wouldn't work. i ended up cutting into pieces and vowing to make something new. maybe that's the point.