today, i was pursing youtube for something or another and came across a video of a woman dancing to "ice ice baby". the dancing was not profound but the joy and excitement in the woman's face inspired me to find the song and get my groove on. i found a mix on apple music called party starters and me and the kiddo had a delightful few hours dancing and stomping around. i can't even remember the last time i just listened and enjoyed music with my body, without agenda. it felt so good.
later, i wrote a little poem in the parking lot about letting go...which is the theme of my days, i guess. later i grocery shopped alone, had a big cup of yummy tea and some fresh peaches.
whilei was the local grocery. the produce person (who was a man) told me about how he visited the farm that grew my tomatoes and how amazing they all looked in endless rows. i told him that sounded like paradise. later the kidlet refused to eat his favorite oatmeal because last week we tried to pull a fast one a put the new england style in the bag when the grandy-oats muesli ran out. it is his hands down favorite food, so i knew he probably wouldn't fall for it and i sorta regret trying to pull a fast one. it would have been better to give him just plain rolled oats. lesson learned.
these are small little things but i have been thinking a lot about the small things and how they make a life. i know that for so long i have chased my tail (and i will likely continue to do so) but in this small window of clarity, i am seeing that happiness is fleeting and contentment is really an inside job.
today at dinner, i talked to b about this about my constant chasing the next thing and how it can make me unhappy even when i get said thing. we talked about how every choice we make is full of risk and trade-off and control is an illusion of the human mind. am i just a broken record these days?
i keep thinking about how humbling it is to surrender. & how i am not good at it. i keep praying that i will get better at it.
maybe i don't trust enough but i think that noticing and listening to your days is a part of learning how to let go. i think doing silly things just cause, painting, talking, making love, breaking bread, writing poems, being still, praying, admitting your fears and anxieties, asking for help and trying to live like it matters are part of, too. celebrating the little things. overlooking the little things. finding the little things. giving the little things. maybe these things are part of it, too.
i know i won't always get it right or wrong.
some seasons may be dicey and scary and some just cartwheels and rainbows and/or something in between but the perfect time to live deeply, truly and beautifully is always now. the perfect time to surrender and flow is always now, too.
p.s.s. none of the links on this post or blog are affiliate links unless noted. i just highlight what i like. we really love oats and notebooks here...what can i say.